Wow, What a morning.

Let me just say that I’m not PMSing. I feel like I am though, I’m crying every two seconds for no reason. I’m also not pregnant before someone thinks that lol

I’m having a hard time. The thought of giving up enters my brain at least 3 times daily. I’m not sure who reads this and how well you know me, but I share my older three children with my ex-husband. We’ll call him K. Somedays I’d like to call him something other than K, but for now, K is fine.

The girls (Mady, Abby and Mimi) live at my house with Nick, Nevaeh and I for one week, then they live at K’s house (with his new wife) for one week. Back and forth. K and I have had shared custody for 5 years. It’s not without it’s challenges let me tell you. For the most part K and I got along and everything worked out fine. Obviously my kids have issues from living in a split family, but recently it’s gotten worse. Without airing all of my dirty laundry on the internet, I’ll just say it’s been tough. Then add in the fact that I have just returned to work in November, while trying to maintain my photography business on the side (the one thing that makes ME truly happy), while getting my kids to Guides, Sparks, Ballet, Acro, Jazz and Hip-Hop throughout the week. We have one car. Nick works 8-6:30 everyday, so it’s me doing all the running around.

THEN, B101 calls and tells me I’m accepted as one of the Ultimate Loser contestants. I’m so happy. I’m blessed. How lucky am I to receive this opportunity. Even if I don’t win, what an amazing chance to change myself. They ask you to commit to 3 days a week with your trainer, I automatically say yes, knowing that Nick will help and support me in whatever way I can.

Now, I don’t only go to the gym 3 days a week. I go 6. And twice a day for most of those days. I’m lucky that my full time job at Georgian gives me the opportunity to use their Gym and a really awesome cost. I go to the gym daily at lunch for Cardio. Just Cardio. I weight train with my trainer every other day in the evening. On the evenings I don’t train, I do my second bout of Cardio. How I managed to fit it all in is beyond me. I don’t see my kids as much as I did. But I thought at the beginning that it’s only 8 week, they can live with this while I try to change myself and make me healthier. It’s a sacrifice for all of us. Not just the kids, for Nick as well. I’m feeling guilty daily about not spending enough time with my children.

Each time I train with Nyrton, or do Cardio on my own, I honestly try my hardest. I push myself. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who’s thrown up all over the bloody gym. My last training session had me in tears and I had to take muscle relaxants that night so I could sleep.

So imagine my dismay – with all of the stress on me, my children making me feel guilty for not seeing mommy as much, my crappy 1lb weight loss – when I rush into work this morning to listen to Tara Dawn on the Radio and announce the winners this week. I obviously knew it would not be me, but I like hearing who won, and congratulating them. I know we’re competing against eachother, but we’re always so encouraging, and we all get along really well. So I wanted to know who won. (Ps. Julie if you read this I’m so happy you won this week – you said it was your week to win!!)

So then, I hear that they were disappointed with us this week. That we need to step it up. That 4 of us aren’t putting in effort. I have NO idea who the 4 are she’s talking about, but me being me, take it as I’m one of them and I’m pissed. I’m upset. I’m deflated. I don’t care if they weren’t referring to me in the first place.

If this was a motivation technique. Well it freaking backfired. I’ve gotten pretty close to some of the ladies in the challenge, and I know how hard we all work. How much we’re sacrificing. I know that a couple of us work out at other gyms as well, as it’s easier for our personal situations (ie. Me working out at Georgian Everyday) so if they are taking attendance, that could be their reasoning for such a statement but c’mon. How fair is that?

I watch every single piece of food that goes into my mouth. I drink so much water a day I slosh when I walk. I live, eat, breath this competition. I dream (more like have nightmares) about it each night. It’s totally consumed me. I’m sacrificing my children seeing the mother for a short time, so maybe I’ll be healthier in the future for them.

So I know I’m giving it my all, and I HATE the fact that I’ve spent most of this morning crying at my desk. I hate myself for that.