So.  It's been a while since I've blogged about health and fitness and weight loss. I had said I was getting back to it and would blog shortly. And it's been like 5 weeks since then. 

Most of you probably assume I'm still off track. Actually who knows if people are really wondering at all. Or care. It's probably just me. 

Here's the thing. If you follow me on Instagram you've probably seen my calendar update on my ups and downs. 

May I gained 10lbs. I owned it and posted about it. June was a whole other thing. June was a mess. I went off the rails. And it was so busy that I didn't work out. And I gained another 13lbs. And I didn't share it. I was embarrassed. Shamed. I did tell people but couldn't post it. I wasn't feeling the greatest towards the end but I had some boobs back and my booty was bangin. But I beat myself up and the fear of gaining more came back bad and I decided I needed to get the weight off. 

And I did. Or most of it. Down 20 out of 23 ain't bad. Yes. I lost 20lbs In July. 

You're probably thinking " good for you nicole - that's amazing. You must be so happy and proud.  - wow the dedication etc etc "

Here's my month long progress photo. 

I've lost   7 inches 

And I'm fucking miserable. 

Like cry at my desk I'm that miserable. Im pretty sure I was depressed all of July. I was starving. I did damage to my metabolism for sure. I lost muscle. Strength. I was bat shit crazy. I still am.  My social anxiety was brutal as well. So strange. I was hungry all the time. It didn't go away. 

I paid $766 to want to kill myself daily. I'm not over exaggerating. At first when I lost 10lbs in one week I was like this great. I'm awesome. But I was dizzy daily and couldn't lift weights. And when I did I was sore for days. First time I did Zumba on this diet I thought I might die. 

Here's the thing with me. I know how to do two things well. Diet & binge. 

I don't know how to maintain. It's super hard for me. And for my health (mental Health and physical) I think I need to focus on maintaining for a while. Like 6 months or so. A healthy amount of working out. Not twice a day. And also more than 900 or 1000 calories a day. I'm most excited for getting my strength back. 

I realize my weight will be a struggle for life. But I'm just so sick of it. My number one focus right now is to find a healthy relationship with food and also get this skin removed. I think it's one of my triggers. Losing 130 plus pounds and not loving the body you are left with is basically the worst. Would I do it all over again ? Of course having loose skin is better than being 320lbs but cmon. 

This is me :