I debated writing this. I have two parts of my brain conflicting at all times. The part that LOVES social media, blogging, and all things on my phone. And the other half of me that despises it.  The part of me that is so proud of myself, but the part that doesn’t want to trigger others about their self-image.  Half of me is embarrassed, and would rather ignore the fact I gained a bunch of weight after publicly losing so much, but the other half is learning so much about vulnerability and hoping that me being honest with myself, could possibly help someone else and also ease my mind and let me move forward.

Hi. It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. When I started this blog in 2008 it was to document our family time, because Instagram wasn’t around and I could share family stories and photos online with my family. In 2013/14 ish I joined a fashion challenge group and met other bloggers from around North America and my blogging changed slightly.  In 2016 I documented very publicly my weight loss journey on OptiFast. And then life happened, my 2 jobs took over and blogging wasn’t a priority.

In 2018 I broke my wrist (a sign from God I needed to slow down), had 2 Grandparents pass way, struggled with Anxiety and probably depression and ate my feelings the entire year. And gained a ton of weight back. Not all but a lot.

I was ashamed to run into people. I was embarrassed because I had been everyone’s ‘inspiration’ to lose weight. I made up stories in my head about what others were saying about me gaining it back. The lies I told myself spun out of control to the fact in November I was having panic attacks, my blood pressure was out of control.  I was not healthy at all. Never mind the overweight part. My heart and mind and body were just not where they were supposed to be.

About a year ago, last August long weekend, my bestie/work wife invited me to go see Rachel Hollis’s Made for more documentary. My sister and her work friend came with us. This movie changed the path I was on. While I know Rachel isn’t every one’s cup of tea, I do believe there is a  self-help/personal development leader for everyone out there. Someone who will spark something in you to get off your ass and out of your own way. Rachel was it for me. Since I was at the beginning of my own faith journey I loved that she was Christian but not overly Churchy but also down to earth, and loves to swear just the right amount. And I like that she gave tangible action items. Like do the 5 to thrive. Don’t have time for something? You’re not making the time. Where are your priorities? Last August, I started reading like a crazy person. I got up early every day and read for an hour. I goal set. I cleaned my mess of a house. I tried to surround myself with people I want to be more like. I started making more effort to be present with my kids. I decided to make a giant (crazy) decision to leave a photography career because I just knew it was no longer my path. Baby steps from August to November had me doing little adjustments to get me to finally ask for help. We started with anxiety and blood pressure and trying to get that under control. None of these things are fast fixes.

January came and my blood pressure was under control with the help of meds. But I knew it was time to tackle my weight. Randomly another friend asked me to see Rachel’s documentary again which was out again for special release in January. I was to meet up with her and all of her friends, none of which I knew. I was scared because meeting new people is not my thing. Once you know me I probably seem very extroverted but in reality I’d like to be home in sweats with no people around me. I grew some lady balls and went anyways. And cried the entire movie. It was exactly the good kick in the ass I needed this time for my physical health. At the end of January I joined WW and decided to start back at Zumba. Two very simple things. I just said I would attend as many zumba’s as I could fit in my schedule per week, and that I would track my points without cutting a specific food group out (unless I didn’t feel good eating it).

The last 6 months have flown by. In this time, I’ve started to learn a lot about myself and my food triggers. About how bad my emotional eating has gotten. I’ve learned I’m a binge eater. I basically have two modes: extreme dieting, or extreme binging. I don’t have a maintenance balance mode. This is where I am focusing my attention right now. Learning some balance. Yes, I’m still trying to get some excess weight off. But not to be skinny or a specific weight. But to get off the blood pressure meds. In 2017, at my lowest adult weight ever, I was the most unhappy I have ever been so I’m trying to find a way to be healthy and happy.

During these 6 months I did take a huge social media sabbatical. It did me wonders. I still don’t have the facebook app on my phone, which really reduces the amount of time I log in there. Instagram was a huge thing for me. I’ve since started following accounts that make me happy and support positive body image and certain fitness accounts that don’t trigger me personally. I’m all for fitness accounts. I’m all for being fit. I even follow some food, diet accounts because I like the recipe ideas. I don’t think trying to lose weight is bad, or being fit or going to the gym is bad or skinny people are the devil. I believe we should respect our bodies and what they’ve been through and it’s never too late to treat them kindly and put good food in there and once in a while a sprinkle donut or beer. Or Pizza. Or that cheese/pretzel dip from State & Main.

I’m also trying not to be embarrassed when I run into people that saw me at my smallest. I’m just trying to be me and not apologize for it or feel shame. Working on it, in baby steps. I do believe with all of my heart that whatever the weird part of my brain that makes me binge eat is some sort of addiction. And I should probably work a 12 step program on it, and the more and more I read up on it , it rings true to me. Anyone ever been to overeaters anonymous? I’m not kidding, DM me if so.

All this to say, I have found WW the easiest way to track food for me. No counting macros, or calories. Though I must say I know what I should be eating, I’ve taken every weight loss program out there, and seen multiple nutritionist and know how to listen to my body. So I’m not just fitting junk food into my points. I eat clean 85% of the time. And when I don’t my skin and tummy go NUTS. Also, being back at the gym, personal training and Zumba has really helped, body wise, but also anxiety and mental clarity. I started running again too and it helps clear my head.  In the last 6 months I’m down 76 lbs. I did this without drinking Optifast. But not without all the mental work I put in. The journaling, the podcasts, the reading, church, talking with friends. All of it – combined with food and exercise helped me.

My vision for my blog now will be more about the holistic journey of losing weight (or getting healthy) I'm trying not to use trigger words, but I want there to be a space wher women read my struggles. I'd love to have guest bloggers post about nutrition, fitness for real people not extreme body builder/fitness bodys. But like moms and real life. I would love for people to blog about their struggles with mental health and how they work on them. 

Anyways this is my airport rant and I need to board a plane now. 

Comment if you think this is a good idea or heck, even if I'm way off base. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE