Current me

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Mimi Just took this photo of me 5 minutes ago. I just returned home from a zumba class (which is the second time in a week I almost passed out due to lack of food) with this lovely hair. I need a food intervention. Or some good reading on eating disorders.

I keep falling off the blog wagon. I started this blog way back when Nevaeh was a baby, because I was posting too much personal content on my photography/business blog. I just wanted to share photos and stories of my family with other family members easily. It was basically Nevaeh’s baby book- online version.

I love looking back on it, it makes me smile, cringe, laugh and sigh.

When I started doing the Style Challenges, It was a handy way to keep up with everyone, and really helped me with self-care. Which I realize is odd. My journey as a young mother had me giving everything to my children, including all of my money and self-worth. I made sure they were dressed perfectly in whatever brand name was cool at the time, I spent all of my energy doing hair and getting them ready and  I got whatever was left. Which wasn’t much. I was a hot mess, and those little style challenges saved me. 

As a fat (and I mean fat –I was huge) woman, I still managed to find some self-confidence. Imagine that. How dare someone my size feel comfortable in her own body and wear bright red pants!?!  Was I happy with my body? No. But I thought fuck it. This is my size now, I’ll dress it. And wear all the costume jewellery people can throw at me. I started Sarah’s hair challenges, and tried different ways of doing my hair. I put more and more make up on instead of like once a week.

From there I decided to take control of my health & weight. This blog became a place for me to share my progress and keep me accountable. It was super handy for that. I also love reading back on this, on my struggles etc. I finally got to 183lbs (from 320) and I felt amazing.

Then life happened. 

I spent all of last year yo-yo dieting. And avoided blogging about it. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t maintain my lowest weight. By the time last summer kicked off I was back up to 210 and then crash dieted over 4 months to get back down to 190. 

Then the binge eating started. I would be strict with myself, and then binge. Every time I restricted anything, It ended up in binge mode within weeks. By Oct 1st I was back up to 220. I had it in my head I needed to be back down before I met all my blog friends in Vegas in November. I went full Keto the month of Oct into November even while in Vegas and was down to 206 but about the same physical size as I was at 190 because I was working out pretty hard core. I had crazy muscle at this point.  I was weight training every morning before work and I was strong and lifting like crazy.

After returning home from Vegas I got the flu mid-November. Ate soup with noodles. BOOM. Binge, and slowly gained weight over Nov/Dec. Back up to 236 by January 1st. I was mortified and out of control eating wise.

I got back on track (in my head) which meant Keto, Jan 1st – 5th. Got down to 224 in that short amount of time.


I went from working out at least once per day, at least 5 days per week to NOTHING.  I ate my feelings for 2 good weeks. But then went back to keto to try and at least maintain my weight. It worked. I stayed around 220-224 ish most of my recovery.

And then my Grandmother Died. And I ate ALL THE CARBS. And then I returned to work. AND ATE ALL THE CARBS. And I was sad, and lost, and realizing how depressed I was while I was off work and didn’t know how to process any of those feelings. SO I ATE ALL THE THINGS.  

I hit rock bottom and weighed myself. And now took control again. And again crash dieting which makes you slightly crazy and I know this so I’m trying to ween myself off of it, and trying to find a balance, where I won’t binge, and honestly no idea how to do it. (any suggestions are welcome!!!!!!!!!)

I’m down 11lbs currently. Aiming for 1-2 Zumba classes per week, and 2 weight days at the gym. I can’t go full tilt again yet (injury and also it’s not maintainable). My only goal at this point is to fit in the closet full of clothing I have. Which is probably 20lbs away from right now so hopefully by the end of the summer.

All this to say this is my why. Why I look the way I do currently. Why I started my blog. While I’ll continue it I guess. I have a feeling I’ll stick more to Instagram and micro blogging cause its easier and I’m trying to find value added activities only in my life. 

Next up later this week - Where I am emotionally (hint: hot mess)...

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  1. Thank you for having the guts to share this with us. And you are BEAUTIFUL no matter your size! Have you ever listened to the podcast She's All Fat? It's my favorite podcast and it's al about body positivity and self love. The hosts are hilarious! I think you would really like!

    1. I’m going to listen now! Thanks so much for the kind words ❤️❤️

  2. Is it weird this made me cry? I need sleep.
    But I wanted to give you a big virtual hug because I know how hard it can be sharing stuff that isn’t always success.
    You are an amazing person no matter what size you are and that’s why we are friends BUT I can literally feel your unhappiness in this post and that makes me sad.
    You’ve got this!!! Consider me your personal cheerleader ��


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