It's not all sunshine, sometimes I want to punch him.
Friday, October 25, 2019
This guy right here, I love him muchly and some days I hate him just as much.
And if I was a betting woman, I'd say he hates me just as much some days.
I know people say it all the time, but relationships are hard work. Some years it’s easy, others are harder. Some weeks are good, some not so great. Being in a relationship with someone is one thing, but then having kids is an entirely other thing. Toss in previous marriages, the whole step parent situation, ex-spouse dynamics on top of that, things get really exciting.
Last Saturday when I came home from a wedding, we had an argument, and I was cranky as all get out. Both of us had expectations of how the evening was going to go, and the reality was far from what either of us had planned in our heads. We talked it out that night, went to bed fine. Next day I was posting Instagram photos of our little family day. I was going to write something about “hey look, you can’t even tell I wanted to murder him yesterday”. But didn’t want to take away from Nevaeh’s happy Alpaca photos. But part of me felt like fraudulent.
We aren’t perfect. Far from it, I still have bad days, and he has his. But we've come A LONG way. In the past two weeks I’ve have different versions of the same message given to me by different sources (books, Church, Podcasts) and it’s really just clicked in my brain, so I figured I’d write it down. Because obviously hearing it once wasn’t enough for me, I needed to smacked in the face with it for it sink in. So I thought I’d share in case someone else may get something out of this, or maybe needs to hear it.
Here’s some things I’ve learned
- Nick isn’t here to make me happy, that’s my job. And It’s not my job to make sure he’s happy. That’s his job.
- If he’s had a bad day, I don’t need to fix it. It’s my job to listen, and be supportive (guys this was soooooo me, I’m super codependent and learning to not to be)
- When both people in the couple are competing for who’s done more work or who’s more tired, no one wins.
- If either of us has created expectations in our head for something (and yet, not communicated it) and when there’s a gap between that expectation and reality – we’re just set ourselves up to fail.
- When I react (and I say me, not us – because It’s pretty much always me) in the moment, I need to take a beat - realize if I’m super pissed off that’ he’s triggered some sort of internal fear I have, and then work through that, and then we can talk it out rationally.
- As much as I thought the hardest part of raising kids together was when they were little (and yes, 0-6 years is the hardest on your relationship I would say) having a house full of teenagers just brings an entirely new bag of challenges. We need to continually grow and learn parenting strategies or get eaten alive.
- We both have things to work on. Neither one of us are the perfect partner ( I mean, i'm pretty close....)
- And this one I learned long time ago – date your spouse.
Like I said, we’re still learning - and it's been 14 years almost. Maybe some of you already know all of this, maybe not. Maybe we're just slow at this. Just know if we look happy on social media, quite possibly we had a fight earlier that week or heck even the night before. We’re just working through it.
Not sure if I had a point to this post other than getting thoughts down, and maybe someone needed to read it. I'd love to hear if anyone has any good book or podcast recommendations on overcoming codependency, or even just parenting? I'll take all the books I can get.
Here's some links that I've found useful:
1. Armchair Expert Podcast - I cant get enough. I could listen to him every day. I think I need to work a 12 step program for all of my addictions.
2. Connexus : Bulletproof Series. Worth a listen, even if Jesus isn't your thing. Honestly.
3. Rachel Hollis Podcast, books, facebook live etc etc. Just watch and listen to her and Dave. Honestly - just listen to their live streams. So good.
4. The Holistic Psychologist on insta. I can't even pick a fave post. I love them all.
Not sure if I had a point to this post other than getting thoughts down, and maybe someone needed to read it. I'd love to hear if anyone has any good book or podcast recommendations on overcoming codependency, or even just parenting? I'll take all the books I can get.
Here's some links that I've found useful:
1. Armchair Expert Podcast - I cant get enough. I could listen to him every day. I think I need to work a 12 step program for all of my addictions.
2. Connexus : Bulletproof Series. Worth a listen, even if Jesus isn't your thing. Honestly.
3. Rachel Hollis Podcast, books, facebook live etc etc. Just watch and listen to her and Dave. Honestly - just listen to their live streams. So good.
4. The Holistic Psychologist on insta. I can't even pick a fave post. I love them all.
1 comments
Love this post. As I've gotten older and our marriage has gotten older, I've definitely grown into these points as well. I fall into the trap of fixer but it's on the person to find their own path, as it's my job to find mine. I can only imagine the complexity that is added with ex's and step kids.
ReplyDeleteAlso, love arm chair expert, Dave & Rachel, but am going to try the fourth pick.
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