Mimi Just took this photo of me 5 minutes ago. I just returned home from a zumba class (which is the second time in a week I almost passed out due to lack of food) with this lovely hair. I need a food intervention. Or some good reading on eating disorders.
I keep falling off the blog wagon. I started this blog way back when Nevaeh was a baby, because I was posting too much personal content on my photography/business blog. I just wanted to share photos and stories of my family with other family members easily. It was basically Nevaeh’s baby book- online version.
I love looking back on it, it makes me smile, cringe, laugh and sigh.
When I started doing the Style Challenges, It was a handy way to keep up with everyone, and really helped me with self-care. Which I realize is odd. My journey as a young mother had me giving everything to my children, including all of my money and self-worth. I made sure they were dressed perfectly in whatever brand name was cool at the time, I spent all of my energy doing hair and getting them ready and I got whatever was left. Which wasn’t much. I was a hot mess, and those little style challenges saved me.
As a fat (and I mean fat –I was huge) woman, I still managed to find some self-confidence. Imagine that. How dare someone my size feel comfortable in her own body and wear bright red pants!?! Was I happy with my body? No. But I thought fuck it. This is my size now, I’ll dress it. And wear all the costume jewellery people can throw at me. I started Sarah’s hair challenges, and tried different ways of doing my hair. I put more and more make up on instead of like once a week.
From there I decided to take control of my health & weight. This blog became a place for me to share my progress and keep me accountable. It was super handy for that. I also love reading back on this, on my struggles etc. I finally got to 183lbs (from 320) and I felt amazing.
Then life happened.
I spent all of last year yo-yo dieting. And avoided blogging about it. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t maintain my lowest weight. By the time last summer kicked off I was back up to 210 and then crash dieted over 4 months to get back down to 190.
Then the binge eating started. I would be strict with myself, and then binge. Every time I restricted anything, It ended up in binge mode within weeks. By Oct 1st I was back up to 220. I had it in my head I needed to be back down before I met all my blog friends in Vegas in November. I went full Keto the month of Oct into November even while in Vegas and was down to 206 but about the same physical size as I was at 190 because I was working out pretty hard core. I had crazy muscle at this point. I was weight training every morning before work and I was strong and lifting like crazy.
After returning home from Vegas I got the flu mid-November. Ate soup with noodles. BOOM. Binge, and slowly gained weight over Nov/Dec. Back up to 236 by January 1st. I was mortified and out of control eating wise.
I got back on track (in my head) which meant Keto, Jan 1st – 5th. Got down to 224 in that short amount of time.
THEN BROKE MY EFFING WRIST.
I went from working out at least once per day, at least 5 days per week to NOTHING. I ate my feelings for 2 good weeks. But then went back to keto to try and at least maintain my weight. It worked. I stayed around 220-224 ish most of my recovery.
And then my Grandmother Died. And I ate ALL THE CARBS. And then I returned to work. AND ATE ALL THE CARBS. And I was sad, and lost, and realizing how depressed I was while I was off work and didn’t know how to process any of those feelings. SO I ATE ALL THE THINGS.
I hit rock bottom and weighed myself. And now took control again. And again crash dieting which makes you slightly crazy and I know this so I’m trying to ween myself off of it, and trying to find a balance, where I won’t binge, and honestly no idea how to do it. (any suggestions are welcome!!!!!!!!!)
I’m down 11lbs currently. Aiming for 1-2 Zumba classes per week, and 2 weight days at the gym. I can’t go full tilt again yet (injury and also it’s not maintainable). My only goal at this point is to fit in the closet full of clothing I have. Which is probably 20lbs away from right now so hopefully by the end of the summer.
All this to say this is my why. Why I look the way I do currently. Why I started my blog. While I’ll continue it I guess. I have a feeling I’ll stick more to Instagram and micro blogging cause its easier and I’m trying to find value added activities only in my life.
Next up later this week - Where I am emotionally (hint: hot mess)...
